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Deerly Unbeloved

I know there are a lot of important issues riding on this election. I however no longer give a rat's rear end about taxes, foreign policy, the mortgage crisis, slot machines, Barack Obama's birth certificate or whether Sarah Palin clubs baby seals from helicopters supplied by Halliburton. Those issues pale and disappear beside the vital matter of the day.

The first candidate for Prince George's County Council who proposes a serious solution to the effing deer problem down here has my vote, not just in this election but forever. ARE YOU LISTENING, MARILYN BLAND?? I will support you for Secretary General of the UN if you will just get these goddamn retard ungulates away from my property, keep them from clogging up the roads with their gruesome carcasses, and above all STOP THEM FROM RUNNING INTO MY CAR.

Yes, that's right. I collided with a deer tonight. A young stag, two-pointer. But it would be inaccurate to say I hit a deer, because in fact, he hit me. Charged right at my Jeep on an unlighted stretch of Croom Road, banged smack into the driver's door, and broke two of his legs. I got to watch the pathetic dumbass drag himself into a field, where he was doomed to die a slow painful death. I couldn't have put him out of his misery even if I'd had a gun, because the zoning board has seen fit to carve the entire western half of the rural tier into five acre lots and then forbid the shooting of deer on any parcel smaller than 50 acres.

Damage to the Jeep was unbelievably minimal: a tiny dent and a scrape in the paint. Damage to my psyche a little more serious. My heart tells me I'm a murdering thug, but my head knows perfectly well I did nothing wrong. I'm seriously pissed off, and not at the deer. I am pissed at the pathetic DNR management in this state that has let the deer population explode with no mitigation plan other than, apparently, letting citizens cull the herd with their motor vehicles. Good gravy, every time a black bear knocks over a beehive in Carroll County it's a media frenzy. The damage bears cause is minusule compared to deer.

I repeat: Seriously. Pissed. Off.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 3rd, 2008 03:04 pm (UTC)
In the past week I've seen at least six carcasses of young bucks on roadsides. One was on an on-ramp to the Beltway. I suppose it's some kind of Darwinian process in which the ones that are too stupid to stay away from roads don't get to breed, but man the property damage is just murderous, not to mention the sheer aesthetic waste of it all. Deer may be maddening, but they're also beautiful, and it breaks my heart to see so many broken twisted bodies.
Nov. 3rd, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )